I can obviously only speak for myself. But I’d imagine most women entering the adult industry (or men, for that matter) either haven’t thought about the day someone in their family “finds out”, naively hoped it would never happen – or really didn’t care to begin with. In my case it happened early, was a bit of a shock, and I think it’s worth sharing.
One morning, way back in 1995, my Father called me out of the blue. While he didn’t sound particularly upset, he did ask if he could come over to my apartment (insisting it happen that same day) so we could have a talk. There was just a little something in his tone that left me thinking it was more of a “demand”, and that I may be in trouble.
After he arrived, I was at first relieved when he told me he had a brand new pirate cable box. Because for a fleeting second I figured that was his big news. He’s a huge movie fan, I’d never heard of such a thing, and maybe he’d even gotten one for me! But then I started connecting the dots… and realized what else a pirate box was probably capable of broadcasting. “Yeah, Vanessa, you’re probably about to have a very difficult conversation” came the inevitable inner-monologue.
Do you guys remember the Spice Channel? Well, Dad had just discovered it. And as soon as he brought it up I knew which way the wind was blowing that day. My heart sank. Because, honestly, I was 18 years old and hadn’t given the potential downside of becoming a porn star the hours (and hours) of thought it probably deserved.
“Let’s talk about Hot in the Saddle“. Obviously my Dad wanted to kick the tires on everything his new illegal set-top box had to offer, and on his first attempt at the naughty offerings obviously noticed… his own damn daughter. I was horrified, and had no idea what to respond with. While I enjoyed my girl-on-girl dalliance with P.J. Sparxx, and Gail Force was a supportive director, I had a bad feeling it was the scene with Anthony Crane which bothered him that particular afternoon. Yikes. Where do I go from here?
Honestly is often the best policy when backed into a corner. I quickly told my Dad that I liked doing porn, and that I was really good at it. Given more time to strategize, a softer touch may have been the result. He was totally flummoxed and just kind of backed away, awkwardly. “OK“, he said while walking out the door – and that was that.
Then it was excruciating radio silence for what seemed like forever. A few days later I heard an unexpected knock at the door, and there he was – with the pirate box tucked under his arm. “I won’t be needing this any more“. After a brief and uncomfortable silence… we both started laughing – and he was on his way.
Years later, we talked about how I just wanted him to say “no” to me. And not just follow along with my bad decisions: like leaving the house at 16, dropping out of school, or driving him to eventually give up his parental control. Ultimately, he told me that I am “more than my actions” and “not to be ashamed of my past because it doesn’t define who I am“. So you could say, there was a silver lining.
My relationship with my father remains strong to this day and the results could have been far worse. I love him, and the way he chose to accept my choices. If anything, I feel guilty because he missed out on all the great porn he’d have gotten to enjoy if he’d just kept that damn box.
Thanks for sharing. I’ve always wondered about the real lives of the real people in the industry. It must take a lot of courage to post personal details.
I often thought of my own daughters mistakes and thought, that was the job of teenagers, to make dumb impulsive decisions that hopefully don’t ruin their lives, but you are not your questionable teen year decisions, you are much more than that and I for one am proud of you
Hello Vanessa,
It’s really poignant to read your journey and see the reaction of your father…
It made me think of mine, they may seem to be lax, but not at all, as life goes on, our experiences, good or bad, forge us.
Sometimes, some dads weren’t brought up in a “military environment” and are afraid of doing wrong, so say to themselves, “life will do the rest”…
Your experience and talking about it is a kind of catharsis and allows us to have a different point of view… And your dad is right, our past doesnt necessarily make us who we really are …
Thank you for this writing.
Passe une belle semaine/Have a nice week
A hello from Paris
Vans
Thank you for sharing your experience. I can’t imagine that was easy for either of you. It is so heartening to read that you two remain close today. I have often wondered what became of you and it is so great to see you now and hear what you’re interested in and what you life is like. Again, thank you for sharing!
I once heard a rumor you moved to Brazil after retiring. Is this true? And what were your experiences there?
Hi, Timothy. Thanks for the question. I addressed this rumor not too long ago in a RogReviews.com article. It was just that: a rumor. Which for some reason has become part of most older bios you’ll find out there on the web. I did some films in South America shortly before I left the industry in 96, so that’s probably got something to do with it.
What films did you do in South America? By the way, I am going to Costa Rica on vacation next month and I am watching again your scenes there. Any recomendation about that place? Do you remember where have you been there? Thanks
Good God, no. It was a couple of quick trips. The rumors about me moving to Brazil were completely false. I really hope you have fun though.
Hi Vanessa,
Reading your tweets about childhood trauma made me think of and revisit this post. I understand you’ve come to terms with your career, but it makes me feel a bit creepy about how gorgeous I think you are and how you have been my all-time favorite for the past 20+ years. Seriously, you have no idea how many I’ve rubbed out to you and Rebecca Lord. So when people make those comments or have those thoughts, do you consider them compliments or insults?