Movies

I can obviously only speak for myself. But I’d imagine most women entering the adult industry (or men, for that matter) either haven’t thought about the day someone in their family “finds out”, naively hoped it would never happen – or really didn’t care to begin with. In my case it happened early, was a bit of a shock, and I think it’s worth sharing.

One morning, way back in 1995, my Father called me out of the blue. While he didn’t sound particularly upset, he did ask if he could come over to my apartment (insisting it happen that same day) so we could have a talk. There was just a little something in his tone that left me thinking it was more of a “demand”, and that I may be in trouble.

After he arrived, I was at first relieved when he told me he had a brand new pirate cable box. Because for a fleeting second I figured that was his big news. He’s a huge movie fan, I’d never heard of such a thing, and maybe he’d even gotten one for me! But then I started connecting the dots… and realized what else a pirate box was probably capable of broadcasting. “Yeah, Vanessa, you’re probably about to have a very difficult conversation” came the inevitable inner-monologue.

Do you guys remember the Spice Channel? Well, Dad had just discovered it. And as soon as he brought it up I knew which way the wind was blowing that day. My heart sank. Because, honestly, I was 18 years old and hadn’t given the potential downside of becoming a porn star the hours (and hours) of thought it probably deserved.

“Let’s talk about Hot in the Saddle“. Obviously my Dad wanted to kick the tires on everything his new illegal set-top box had to offer, and on his first attempt at the naughty offerings obviously noticed… his own damn daughter. I was horrified, and had no idea what to respond with. While I enjoyed my girl-on-girl dalliance with P.J. Sparxx, and Gail Force was a supportive director, I had a bad feeling it was the scene with Anthony Crane which bothered him that particular afternoon. Yikes. Where do I go from here?

Honestly is often the best policy when backed into a corner. I quickly told my Dad that I liked doing porn, and that I was really good at it. Given more time to strategize, a softer touch may have been the result. He was totally flummoxed and just kind of backed away, awkwardly. “OK“, he said while walking out the door – and that was that.

Then it was excruciating radio silence for what seemed like forever. A few days later I heard an unexpected knock at the door, and there he was – with the pirate box tucked under his arm. “I won’t be needing this any more“. After a brief and uncomfortable silence… we both started laughing – and he was on his way.

Years later, we talked about how I just wanted him to say “no” to me. And not just follow along with my bad decisions: like leaving the house at 16, dropping out of school, or driving him to eventually give up his parental control. Ultimately, he told me that I am “more than my actions” and “not to be ashamed of my past because it doesn’t define who I am“. So you could say, there was a silver lining.

My relationship with my father remains strong to this day and the results could have been far worse. I love him, and the way he chose to accept my choices. If anything, I feel guilty because he missed out on all the great porn he’d have gotten to enjoy if he’d just kept that damn box.